I resonate with much of it, though I have somehow managed to be happily married for 34+ years now.
That’s partly because I wear earplugs at night and we have a king size bed so I have space. Partly because my husband knows to get up, go in the other room, and leave me alone for at least the first hour of each morning while I journal and tap.
Partly because he’s generally a calm, patient guy even when I’m very agitated and emotional (which I currently am most days).
Partly because I walk in a local park as often as possible to calm myself by watching and photographing the herons and bunnies.
And partly because we’ve both had lots of therapy over the years and learned from our parents (who divorced after decades of being miserable together) what NOT to do if we wanted to a healthy relationship.
As a highly-sensitive woman living with anxiety and other challenges, I relate to all of this, except the need to let it define me. If you keep repeating these stories of how you fail yourself and others, you will end up believing it. You are not hard to love, you are as worthy of love as any soul on this planet. Self love is an incredible journey of allowing yourself to be authentic, truly authentic, which means you don't have to apologize for being sensitive or being yourself in any way.
I love how honest this is. And I see you. Boy do I see you. I could say the same thing in regards to a great deal of this.
And sometimes I wonder what kind a life a person like me can or will have.
I can’t live life like most people do so I’m having to build a life around the fringes and it’s not easy.
Being how I am is opening me to a level of tenderness and compassion and patience and acceptance that I never thought possible.
This is the gift of the wounded healer. We pour out gold from our deeply loved woundings and non conventional ways of being.
I love you beautiful woman. I hold you in my tender heart. I am here with you and for you. 🌹🌹🌹
I’ll share a poem I wrote last week, to honor and celebrate my existence. I am worthy because is exists.
Change the date of birth and read this aloud to yourself. Let the vibration of the words make move to every part of you.
When you have space.
Insert your date of birth into this poem I wrote and read it aloud to yourself. The very proclamation will awaken the memory of who you truly are. 💗
I Am a Miracle (A Birth Blessing for Myself)
On October 30, 1962, a miracle occurred— not in thunder or trumpet blast, but in the holy hush of the cosmos holding its breath.
For less than less than a moment, all of creation paused— stars stilled, oceans ceased their rhythm, trees stopped swaying, the wind curled up in quiet reverence.
Waiting… waiting… waiting… to breathe once again— as me, through me.
Not just a birth. But a declaration: Life wanted me.
The Earth opened her arms to catch me. The sky bent low to kiss my breath. God whispered my name into form.
Even if no one saw it— Even if my parents could not hold the light I carried— Still, I was a miracle. Am a miracle. Will always be, a miracle.
I was never a mistake. I was never too much. I was never not enough. I was perfectly timed in the great unfolding.
Not late. Not early. But exactly when Love needed to wear my face.
Even if I was not met with songs or joy or tender welcome, the stars still sang. The soil still softened. The rivers still ran toward me. The angels still danced in awe at my becoming.
So today, I remember. Today, I reclaim the truth of my sacred arrival.
I was wanted. I was chosen. I was celebrated by all that sees beyond flesh and fear.
I am here. And I matter. And my life is a gift that only I can live.
What a beautiful, honest and vulnerable article 💕 You are absolutely not alone in any of this, it honestly feels like you could be describing me and the daily interal tussels I have.
Hard relate to so much of this. I don’t know if you’ve ever read my words where I say I believe there is a high rate of people in the neurodivergent community who choose not to have children, for reasons that you note. Sometimes this is knowingly, sometimes it’s unknowingly. I myself have always known I don’t want children. Sure they can bring alot of love and joy, but even the idea of the chaos of them makes my system panic. And here I am, a woman who only got diagnosed adhd aged 44, although I suspect I’m AuDHD.
Andy, I resonate with all of this. I was actually told by my mum as a teenager that she had tried to love me but that I was too difficult to love. Think I'm still unravelling the trauma of hearing that one...
I'm married but I have a lot of the same struggles, like finding it hard to sleep next to someone, pulling away from being touched, etc. The only thing I can say regarding this is that it's truly different when you meet the right person - not so much that I've changed, but that he is understanding and accepts that these are sensory issues, not about me not loving him. (For example, we have slept separately the last few nights because neither of us have been sleeping well).
I want to write soon about navigating love and marriage as someone on the spectrum... so keep an eye out for that post!!
In short, I have been made to feel hard to love, but through being with the right person in a healthy mutual relationship I am learning that I am not hard to love, I just never had anyone make the effort to learn *how^ to love me until I met my husband. It helps that he is probably on the spectrum too, though not ADHD.
Thank you for sharing this! I related to some as a HSP, however was able to read the overlap of perhaps ADHD/Autism that i don't necessarily struggle with at much but dated someone who i feel probably could and both was refreshing to understand more as a whole. At times I wonder that I'm the only one that feels hard to be loved or hard to love. And this made me feel a tad more "normal" and less shame.
Oh, I do relate to some parts. I have a huge need for being alone. I feel like it’s the time I get to really recharge, otherwise I’m just focused on the other person completely. This can get very draining over time. It’s not easy to be shaped like this. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find a way to be more comfortable, even though that’s probably going to be a lifelong battle. Hugs 🫂
Thank you for sharing this brave post, Andy. You have a lot of hard stuff going on, but you are not alone. If I might offer you a bit of perspective, you can look over your shoulder to see how many are behind you and following your lead. What you’re building here on Substack is pretty extraordinary. No shame in not wanting kids. (For myself I’m happy to be a cat mom and an auntie.) And if it’s meant to be, there will be someone who will love you as your authentic self. Take care. You are very capable.
Hey Andy, I understand your tiredness right now. After every separation (I've had a few relationships) my tiredness and pain were so great and fresh and it took me so long to recover. I resonate with each point you have made in this piece of openness and vulnerability and I truly honour you for writing it. I agree that it's good to get it out. I am glad you did! And I hope it helped in any way you needed it to. I am here to say "I hear you and I understand you." Two important things that all HSPs beg to hear. And also that you are loved Nic xx
Thank you for sharing all this so honestly Andy. It is really healing for other people, including myself, to see how other people really are and realise I'm not alone. I was just talking to a friend today who is also highly sensitive, and we were relating about how we can't help but be honest about finding things hard and feel really inferior to people who present themselves as having it all 'together' (and reflecting on how truthful they're actually being...) It was so healing to speak to her and know we both struggle with the same thing. And then it feels like less of a struggle, and more like a shared way of being, just another way of being - not a wrong one.
Being a parent to a very high-energy child, and having navigated years of intense sleep deprivation, I have found the experience of being a parent as a highly sensitive person incredibly challenging, so I really understand your fears. Sometimes it's a source of deep shame for me that I have struggled so much that we are only having one child. So I really understand your fears about that, and that must be so tough in relationships when the other person does want a child.
Hi Ellie - thank you for being real about your motherhood experience. I think one child is a whole lot of children to have :P There is absolutely no shame in it. And yes it's just tricky to find a partner on the same page - especially at this time of life - maybe when I am older, as is my partner maybe it will be easier x
Gosh friend. I resonate deeply with most of these issues you have brought up.
All I can say is you’re not alone. ❤️
It can feel so confusing and it’s hard to let go or go with the flow of life when you’re deeply sensitive or struggle with hormonal shifts.You’re doing so well. Don’t underestimate what a big loss you have just been through and how gracefully you’re handling it. Love you
“Trust in the power that is already taking care of you spontaneously without effort." -Mooji
Andy this is incredibly relatable and helps me to take deep breathes and say wow I’m not so odd and this is normal for others. It does help me identify how some of these areas are not hard for me but have been with other previous partners and especially my younger daughters. This helps me understand myself and want to be more present and heart opening in the relationships in my life to understand them and their needs also. What I have found is I tend to draw in those on the spectrums and highly sensitives near me and we are all our own versions of that. And the more we bravery speak of our versions I believe we offer an invitation for others to accept and discover their own versions. And this is courageous compassion for ourselves and for others. Thank you and blowing you big kisses across the ocean.
I resonate with much of it, though I have somehow managed to be happily married for 34+ years now.
That’s partly because I wear earplugs at night and we have a king size bed so I have space. Partly because my husband knows to get up, go in the other room, and leave me alone for at least the first hour of each morning while I journal and tap.
Partly because he’s generally a calm, patient guy even when I’m very agitated and emotional (which I currently am most days).
Partly because I walk in a local park as often as possible to calm myself by watching and photographing the herons and bunnies.
And partly because we’ve both had lots of therapy over the years and learned from our parents (who divorced after decades of being miserable together) what NOT to do if we wanted to a healthy relationship.
As a highly-sensitive woman living with anxiety and other challenges, I relate to all of this, except the need to let it define me. If you keep repeating these stories of how you fail yourself and others, you will end up believing it. You are not hard to love, you are as worthy of love as any soul on this planet. Self love is an incredible journey of allowing yourself to be authentic, truly authentic, which means you don't have to apologize for being sensitive or being yourself in any way.
I love how honest this is. And I see you. Boy do I see you. I could say the same thing in regards to a great deal of this.
And sometimes I wonder what kind a life a person like me can or will have.
I can’t live life like most people do so I’m having to build a life around the fringes and it’s not easy.
Being how I am is opening me to a level of tenderness and compassion and patience and acceptance that I never thought possible.
This is the gift of the wounded healer. We pour out gold from our deeply loved woundings and non conventional ways of being.
I love you beautiful woman. I hold you in my tender heart. I am here with you and for you. 🌹🌹🌹
I’ll share a poem I wrote last week, to honor and celebrate my existence. I am worthy because is exists.
Change the date of birth and read this aloud to yourself. Let the vibration of the words make move to every part of you.
When you have space.
Insert your date of birth into this poem I wrote and read it aloud to yourself. The very proclamation will awaken the memory of who you truly are. 💗
I Am a Miracle (A Birth Blessing for Myself)
On October 30, 1962, a miracle occurred— not in thunder or trumpet blast, but in the holy hush of the cosmos holding its breath.
For less than less than a moment, all of creation paused— stars stilled, oceans ceased their rhythm, trees stopped swaying, the wind curled up in quiet reverence.
Waiting… waiting… waiting… to breathe once again— as me, through me.
Not just a birth. But a declaration: Life wanted me.
The Earth opened her arms to catch me. The sky bent low to kiss my breath. God whispered my name into form.
Even if no one saw it— Even if my parents could not hold the light I carried— Still, I was a miracle. Am a miracle. Will always be, a miracle.
I was never a mistake. I was never too much. I was never not enough. I was perfectly timed in the great unfolding.
Not late. Not early. But exactly when Love needed to wear my face.
Even if I was not met with songs or joy or tender welcome, the stars still sang. The soil still softened. The rivers still ran toward me. The angels still danced in awe at my becoming.
So today, I remember. Today, I reclaim the truth of my sacred arrival.
I was wanted. I was chosen. I was celebrated by all that sees beyond flesh and fear.
I am here. And I matter. And my life is a gift that only I can live.
Amen. Aho. So it is.
I read this poem out loud to myself this morning - just wanted to let you know :) It was beautiful - and I felt a lot of love :)
I so love hearing this. It makes me so happy. 🩷
Absolutely stunning Lila!
Deeply moving. Thankyou🙏💚
What a beautiful, honest and vulnerable article 💕 You are absolutely not alone in any of this, it honestly feels like you could be describing me and the daily interal tussels I have.
Hard relate to so much of this. I don’t know if you’ve ever read my words where I say I believe there is a high rate of people in the neurodivergent community who choose not to have children, for reasons that you note. Sometimes this is knowingly, sometimes it’s unknowingly. I myself have always known I don’t want children. Sure they can bring alot of love and joy, but even the idea of the chaos of them makes my system panic. And here I am, a woman who only got diagnosed adhd aged 44, although I suspect I’m AuDHD.
Thank you Ali - and yes I am a big fan of all your words ;) Thank you for the reminder of this! x
Andy, I resonate with all of this. I was actually told by my mum as a teenager that she had tried to love me but that I was too difficult to love. Think I'm still unravelling the trauma of hearing that one...
I'm married but I have a lot of the same struggles, like finding it hard to sleep next to someone, pulling away from being touched, etc. The only thing I can say regarding this is that it's truly different when you meet the right person - not so much that I've changed, but that he is understanding and accepts that these are sensory issues, not about me not loving him. (For example, we have slept separately the last few nights because neither of us have been sleeping well).
I want to write soon about navigating love and marriage as someone on the spectrum... so keep an eye out for that post!!
In short, I have been made to feel hard to love, but through being with the right person in a healthy mutual relationship I am learning that I am not hard to love, I just never had anyone make the effort to learn *how^ to love me until I met my husband. It helps that he is probably on the spectrum too, though not ADHD.
If you haven't read these already then I recommend these two posts of mine: https://neurodivergentnotes.substack.com/p/on-being-inflexible & https://neurodivergentnotes.substack.com/p/the-vicious-cycle-of-pmdd-and-audhd.
Thank you for sharing this! I related to some as a HSP, however was able to read the overlap of perhaps ADHD/Autism that i don't necessarily struggle with at much but dated someone who i feel probably could and both was refreshing to understand more as a whole. At times I wonder that I'm the only one that feels hard to be loved or hard to love. And this made me feel a tad more "normal" and less shame.
Oh, I do relate to some parts. I have a huge need for being alone. I feel like it’s the time I get to really recharge, otherwise I’m just focused on the other person completely. This can get very draining over time. It’s not easy to be shaped like this. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find a way to be more comfortable, even though that’s probably going to be a lifelong battle. Hugs 🫂
Thank you for sharing this brave post, Andy. You have a lot of hard stuff going on, but you are not alone. If I might offer you a bit of perspective, you can look over your shoulder to see how many are behind you and following your lead. What you’re building here on Substack is pretty extraordinary. No shame in not wanting kids. (For myself I’m happy to be a cat mom and an auntie.) And if it’s meant to be, there will be someone who will love you as your authentic self. Take care. You are very capable.
This all feels very familiar, thank you for sharing❤️
Thankyou so much for this post🙏I totally related and not many understand how exhausting and painful it can be. It means alot to be heard and seen!
Beautiful blessings to you and all who live with this too💚🙏💚
Hey Andy, I understand your tiredness right now. After every separation (I've had a few relationships) my tiredness and pain were so great and fresh and it took me so long to recover. I resonate with each point you have made in this piece of openness and vulnerability and I truly honour you for writing it. I agree that it's good to get it out. I am glad you did! And I hope it helped in any way you needed it to. I am here to say "I hear you and I understand you." Two important things that all HSPs beg to hear. And also that you are loved Nic xx
Thank you for sharing all this so honestly Andy. It is really healing for other people, including myself, to see how other people really are and realise I'm not alone. I was just talking to a friend today who is also highly sensitive, and we were relating about how we can't help but be honest about finding things hard and feel really inferior to people who present themselves as having it all 'together' (and reflecting on how truthful they're actually being...) It was so healing to speak to her and know we both struggle with the same thing. And then it feels like less of a struggle, and more like a shared way of being, just another way of being - not a wrong one.
Being a parent to a very high-energy child, and having navigated years of intense sleep deprivation, I have found the experience of being a parent as a highly sensitive person incredibly challenging, so I really understand your fears. Sometimes it's a source of deep shame for me that I have struggled so much that we are only having one child. So I really understand your fears about that, and that must be so tough in relationships when the other person does want a child.
Lots of love to you Andy, and thank you again xxx
Hi Ellie - thank you for being real about your motherhood experience. I think one child is a whole lot of children to have :P There is absolutely no shame in it. And yes it's just tricky to find a partner on the same page - especially at this time of life - maybe when I am older, as is my partner maybe it will be easier x
Gosh friend. I resonate deeply with most of these issues you have brought up.
All I can say is you’re not alone. ❤️
It can feel so confusing and it’s hard to let go or go with the flow of life when you’re deeply sensitive or struggle with hormonal shifts.You’re doing so well. Don’t underestimate what a big loss you have just been through and how gracefully you’re handling it. Love you
“Trust in the power that is already taking care of you spontaneously without effort." -Mooji
Andy this is incredibly relatable and helps me to take deep breathes and say wow I’m not so odd and this is normal for others. It does help me identify how some of these areas are not hard for me but have been with other previous partners and especially my younger daughters. This helps me understand myself and want to be more present and heart opening in the relationships in my life to understand them and their needs also. What I have found is I tend to draw in those on the spectrums and highly sensitives near me and we are all our own versions of that. And the more we bravery speak of our versions I believe we offer an invitation for others to accept and discover their own versions. And this is courageous compassion for ourselves and for others. Thank you and blowing you big kisses across the ocean.
That’s exactly how I feel every day. I have almost no relationships because of it. It’s a very lonely existence.