Hard to Love

How AuDHD and Sensitivity Have Strained My Relationships

I’ve been trying to write this for a while.

Not because I need sympathy. And not because I want to make sense of everything - though that would be nice. I think I just need to name it all somewhere and get real.

Most of what I post tends to have a positive tone. I try to stay hopeful, to keep a silver lining in view - and yes, it is always there if you look for it. How our sensitivities can be used as superpowers, how neurodivergence comes with gifts.

But this is not that article.

Because this is not how I experience the world all the time. And there are some very real, difficult truths about being highly sensitive and neurodivergent that I feel don’t always get spoken about - especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

So here it is. A bit more of the truth.

I’m still coming to terms with the labels: ADHD, autism, and how they intersect with sensitivity. There’s this constant push and pull - wanting to live a “normal” love story in a body and mind that simply don’t respond to the world (or to love) in a ‘normal’ way. And I’m tired.

Tired of trying to explain things I don’t fully understand myself. Tired of wondering if it’s autism, ADHD, PMDD, POTS, sensitivity - or just some deep existential exhaustion that never quite lifts.

There are real challenges I deal with daily. They affect how I relate to love, intimacy, affection, space, communication, and co-regulation. And I feel the need to name a few of them.

So here we go.

I really dislike uncertainty

Let’s start here.

In relationships, uncertainty triggers me. If someone pulls away, pauses, doesn’t respond - my anxiety spikes. I push for clarity. I chase answers, even when it’s not the right time. I can get confrontational, not out of malice, but out of fear.

I make snap decisions just to end the discomfort - and then I regret them. I overcorrect. I change my mind several times. It’s exhausting to me - and probably even more so to the person on the other end.

My capacity changes rapidly

Some days I feel loving, present, playful. Other days I feel like I’m under water and everything - including connection - is too much.

I may cancel plans. Go quiet. Seem cold. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I don’t have the bandwidth to feel or express it.

Don’t touch me when I’m overwhelmed

Seriously. I will flinch. Pull away. My skin becomes electric with discomfort. Even a caring hand on my back can feel like too much.

The cruel irony is - I do want closeness. I just can’t tolerate it in that moment. I need to be alone, even if it sends mixed signals.

I need more space than you think

In love, this can come across as distant. But the truth is: I need solitude to function. I need space to regulate. To come back to myself.

After ending a relationship of six years, I’ve come to question whether living with a partner is even viable for me. The closeness that others crave - the shared routine, the constant togetherness - can leave me feeling depleted.

My self-esteem needs constant boosts

I overanalyze everything. If someone pulls away or goes quiet, I immediately assume it’s my fault. That I’m too much. Too needy. Too sensitive. Not attractive enough. Not outgoing enough.

Even if I’m in a secure relationship, this inner dialogue can sabotage the connection. I don’t mean to be insecure. I just often am.

Hormonal changes feel like a rollercoaster

PMDD can turn me into someone I don’t recognize. I swing between wanting to cry and wanting to fight. Everything feels more intense. I become hypersensitive to rejection, tone, and touch.

These weeks are especially hard in relationships. I often have to warn someone I’m dating: This isn’t about you. But it might feel like it is.

I’m not sure I want children - and it’s hard to admit

In romantic conversations, this can be heartbreaking to navigate.

Because I wish I wanted kids. I wish I felt like I could handle it. But the noise, the unpredictability, the loss of sleep, the constant presence of another person needing me - it terrifies me.

And this has affected a previous relationship, and I fear might still in the future.

I struggle to sleep next to a partner

Even when I feel safe. Even when I love them.

Every movement, breath, shift wakes me. My nervous system does not turn off just because I’m in love. I wake up more tired - more irritable - more sensitive.

My ideal, in fact, is having separate bedrooms to my partner, or even living separately - which feels odd to many.

Sex is complicated

I am either over or under-stimulated. There’s very little space in between. Sometimes it’s not enough. I can go from craving deep connection to being completely shut down.

Antidepressants also don’t help. They are a total libido killer. In fact, I am finally trying to wean off them - which will apparently take 10 months. I mean what the actual f*ck (I plan on writing about this soon).

My mind won’t stay in one place

Mid-conversation, I drift. I miss cues. I zone out, sometimes because I’m bored, but also sometimes because my brain has entered another realm.

I later replay the whole interaction obsessively, wondering if I missed something important. If I said something wrong. If they noticed.

I notice everything

Every micro-expression. Every sigh. Every subtle shift in tone or tempo. I’m always tracking the emotional temperature of the room.

It makes me incredibly empathetic… but also incredibly exhausted. Especially in love, where I start to lose track of what I’m feeling vs. what I’m sensing in them.

I live by rigid (sometimes silent) health rules

I’m always researching something - some new protocol or supplement. I try to control my inner chaos by controlling the external.

But that also means I can be inflexible. If a partner offers me a glass of wine or suggests an impromptu late night dinner, and I can get pretty frazzled or anxious.

They don’t always understand why I say no - or why I seem to need so much control.

Where did all my money go? Oh yes…there.

I get very flustered if a plan changes

If a plan is rescheduled last-minute, I sometimes struggle to adapt. Because I’ve emotionally prepped for it. Rehearsed how I’ll show up. Rebalanced my energy accordingly.

When the plan changes, it’s not just an inconvenience - it’s a nervous system reboot.

Everything is too loud

And in love, this means that a simple trip to a crowded restaurant, a loud venue, the sound on the TV or a partner playing his guitar can feel like a sensory war zone - especially when I am overstimulated.

This creates the need for a lot of negotiation with a partner and accommodation from both ends.

And so it is…

There’s no tidy ending to this post. No neat bow of “but it all works out.”

Yes, I have tools. I’ve done the work. I’ve healed layers and found immense beauty in my sensitivity. And yes - when I do find love that feels safe and accepting - it’s magic.

But some days, this body and brain feel hard to live in. Let alone love in.

Some days I manage. Some days I don’t.

Today is one of the hard days.

If you’ve ever felt like your sensitivity makes you hard to love - I see you.

I really do.

Andy x

Do you relate to any of this? How have you navigated your romantic life despite your own sensitivities?

I’m Andy - a Highly Sensitive Woman navigating life, love, career and everything in between with a neurodivergent lens and an open heart. I write here at Highly Sensitive Woman - part personal journal, part safe space, part invitation to slow down and come home to yourself.

If this post resonated with you, you might love our Sensitive Sisterhood - a gentle membership community for highly sensitive women. We gather each month for honest conversations, nervous system-friendly practices, and support.

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