POTS, Burnout & My Fight for Vitality
When will I feel good again?
Lately, I've been struggling with an overwhelming sense of burnout - not just mental or emotional, but deeply physical. This exhaustion has felt unrelenting and like nothing I have experienced, and now, I finally have another piece of the puzzle: I’ve been diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). This is on top of my existing conditions - Mal de Débarquement Syndrome and PMDD - leaving me to feel like my body is collecting syndromes like stamps at this point TBH (I have a feeling my AuDHD friends can relate).
For those unfamiliar, POTS is a form of dysautonomia, meaning my autonomic nervous system isn’t functioning properly. One of its hallmarks is a rapid increase in heart rate when standing up, leading to dizziness, lightheadedness, brain fog, and extreme fatigue. It explains a lot - why simple tasks like climbing stairs feel impossible, why I crash so hard after minor exertion, why I am struggling with memory and why my body seems incapable of maintaining energy.
Diagnosis of POTS has doubled in recent years after the COVID-19 infection*, and I suspect that’s when mine went into hyperdrive, either from the virus, or the vaccination (which I had a terrible reaction to).
On top of this, I’m also exploring whether Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) is also at play. This is very linked to POTS as well as PMDD and could potentially also explain a lot of my symptoms - itchy eyes, brain fog, and unexplained fatigue. It's overwhelming to have yet another potential condition to investigate, another “label” to add to my list, but at the same time, knowing what’s going on gives me some sense of validation. However, there’s no cure for POTS yet - only diet and lifestyle modifications, trial and error, and learning how to manage symptoms as best as I can until I go into ‘remission’.
F*cking great.
Big Life Changes & the Weight of Uncertainty
As if navigating my health wasn’t enough, my personal life is shifting in big ways, too. My relationship (of 6 years) is on rocky ground, and we have decided to no longer live together anymore. We both recognize that our current dynamic isn’t working, and while we still care about each other and are best friends, we need space to figure things out. Living together has made it hard for me to truly recover, and for us to pursue our own goals and I believe I need my own space to heal now more than ever (although this scares the sh*t out of me).
I’m also looking for work after a few months of ‘funemployment’, and a promising project might be starting soon. It’s exciting, but also terrifying. How can I commit to something big when my body feels so unreliable? I desperately want to feel well enough to give it my all, but right now, even daily life feels like a battle.
Trying to Hold onto Hope
Despite everything, I’m trying to stay positive. I’m doing everything I can - meditation, journaling, affirmations, seeing doctors, working with energy healers - anything that might help me feel like myself again. But the truth is, I just want to feel good. I want to feel vibrant and ALIVE. I want my body to cooperate so I can fully participate in my own life again.
Even in the depths of exhaustion, I feel that life is shifting, and I am being brave. I don’t know what these next few weeks or months hold, but something shifting in me. And even though the voice inside me is still a faint whisper, it’s getting louder. That whisper is reminding me that it’s time to find my way back to myself again.
It’s scary. It’s unstable. But I’m choosing, for once, to put myself first and trust that the universe - and my body - will find a way to heal.
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Do you struggle with a chronic disorder? How did you find your way back to vitality again?
Whew... that is a lot to process and experience. Your question, "How can I commit to something big when my body feels so unreliable?" really got to me. I think this is what many sensitive souls wonder in trying to survive, while desiring to thrive and be alive. Sending you lots of love, strength and healing energy across the miles. 💞
I think for us HSPs our physical health is so intertwined with our emotional and spiritual health that it can feel impossible to untangle all the threads and figure out what we need to do to heal. I hope more than anything that you are gentle with yourself while you find your way back to full health (which you will).