I love the way this essay takes a small moment in time and slows it down, showing all of the different sensory inputs an HSP is taking in at any given time. I led a workshop on this last night and we talked about this exact scenario -- how much you're aware of other people's feelings, the noises, etc., and how odd it feels to know that other people are not as aware or impacted. At our next gathering (11/28), we agreed to bring a "sensory potluck" -- ways that we de-escalate our sense of overwhelm before, during and after an event that we know will be a challenge for us. Would love to know what this looks like for other HSPs.
Growing up an only child of a single mom, with few relatives, I was mostly spared growing up in that kind of atmosphere. My dad's family would rarely have a family gathering since they were scattered to the four winds. When they did get together, though, I went into full wall flower mode. There were never any disagreements, but there was a lot of chaos and overstimulation. These people were loud and crass, with cutting remarks being their form of humor. I don't think they even realized how negative they were. They were just having a good time. Being the odd kid out with no siblings, it was pretty easy for me to sit on the sidelines and just watch it all. I was the great observer who saw little good in being in the company of these people. So sad. In a way, it was like being in a thunder storm. I endured it while it lasted, knowing it would eventually end. Then I would retreat and recuperate.
Now, I have my own family of three grown kids, with one girlfriend thrown in for flavor. My daughter and one son don't really get along, but they don't fight, either. Not even a cold war. More like they ignore each other. I can handle that. My boys are both boisterous and their dad has kind of loud energy about him, so gatherings are not exactly peaceful. But, they are fun. I love these people so much that I want to endure the bombardment of stimulation. They are all highly entertaining and I cherish spending time with them, even if it is exhausting. I have ordered my life so that I have enough down time to recover from, and prepare for, time spent with them. I think it helps tremendously that I am choosing to be with them, as opposed to having to be with them. Same with social groups I belong to. I am gathering in the stimulation, rather than be subjected to it, which makes all the difference.
Thanks for your response Sheryl - I think the point you mention is that you are 'choosing' to be with them as opsed to 'having to be' with them. I think this is very important, and I think the difficulty with my situation is there are several family members who are very begrudging about being at these gatherings. They show up with this attitude of being forced to be there against their will, and that they have not 'chosen' to be there. It comes out in resentment and no one wins. I just feel like until everyone 'choses' to want to be there, then it might be better to rather gather in different ways / in smaller family units. SOOOO complicated... :/
Yes, it is complicated. And part of what we bring to the table as HSPs is that ability to discern that some have chosen and some have not, and the desire/ability to find a way through that works for everyone. It seems to me that we have a hard time leaving anyone out, even if they are unwilling or toxic. Good luck, I'm sure you'll figure something out!
I’ve had my share of family gatherings involving toxic behavior. I think I’d be looking for what you can control. It sounds like the event is held at your home. Maybe you offer to go out to a quiet restaurant instead. Maybe you invite one little family at a time. If it’s your space, put on calming music before everyone arrives. That might help the kids be calm. Find a game everyone could play together. What can you change? Just some thoughts.
Thanks Monica - these are such good tips! We have started to implement some of them, but often default back to the norm - which is the less intentionally thought out/ planned gathering. The reality is these events are much better off being planned, structured, and held outside the home, when the kids are engaged and often when they dont involve everyone. In fact our best family gatherings seem to be the best when there are fewer of us present and can have more meaningful engagements. I recently started to learn more about the 'Art of Gathering' (by Priya Parker) and am opening this up for discussion with my family to see if there are some better and more intentional ways we can gather which could work better for us all. Holding thumbs we can figure it out eventually figure it out ;)
Luckily for the most part, my family is relatively drama free, but my sisters step sons are very high energy which is very difficult for me to deal with in long stints. Luckily we have lots of animals at home so we always have an excuse to have to leave early. We have 3 Great Danes and they are sensitive dogs. I don’t feel as lonely when my dog is laying on my lap or leaning on me.
Wow, it’s fascinating and reassuring to have chanced upon a piece that describes my experience (I’m a fellow HSP) of family gatherings to the last detail.
Thank you for this wonderful post! I look forward to reading more of your work. 🤗
"You see, for an HSP like me, for every person in the room, the energy compounds - the voices, the micro-aggressions, the facial expressions, the body language, and the unsaid become a deafening ring in my ears.
I cannot ignore the repeating patterns, the unprocessed resentment, the grief, the wrestling of boundaries and power dynamics swirling around me. I feel the tension build layer over layer, and my chest feels tighter and tighter, the air becoming hard to swallow."
This really resonates for me, especially the micro-aggressions, unprocessed resentment and wrestling of boundaries. Some of these things are only now becoming clear to me in my 50s.
I choose to keep my distance, physically, as much as possible.
You summed up my experience of family events absolutely perfectly! Thank you!
I love the way this essay takes a small moment in time and slows it down, showing all of the different sensory inputs an HSP is taking in at any given time. I led a workshop on this last night and we talked about this exact scenario -- how much you're aware of other people's feelings, the noises, etc., and how odd it feels to know that other people are not as aware or impacted. At our next gathering (11/28), we agreed to bring a "sensory potluck" -- ways that we de-escalate our sense of overwhelm before, during and after an event that we know will be a challenge for us. Would love to know what this looks like for other HSPs.
Growing up an only child of a single mom, with few relatives, I was mostly spared growing up in that kind of atmosphere. My dad's family would rarely have a family gathering since they were scattered to the four winds. When they did get together, though, I went into full wall flower mode. There were never any disagreements, but there was a lot of chaos and overstimulation. These people were loud and crass, with cutting remarks being their form of humor. I don't think they even realized how negative they were. They were just having a good time. Being the odd kid out with no siblings, it was pretty easy for me to sit on the sidelines and just watch it all. I was the great observer who saw little good in being in the company of these people. So sad. In a way, it was like being in a thunder storm. I endured it while it lasted, knowing it would eventually end. Then I would retreat and recuperate.
Now, I have my own family of three grown kids, with one girlfriend thrown in for flavor. My daughter and one son don't really get along, but they don't fight, either. Not even a cold war. More like they ignore each other. I can handle that. My boys are both boisterous and their dad has kind of loud energy about him, so gatherings are not exactly peaceful. But, they are fun. I love these people so much that I want to endure the bombardment of stimulation. They are all highly entertaining and I cherish spending time with them, even if it is exhausting. I have ordered my life so that I have enough down time to recover from, and prepare for, time spent with them. I think it helps tremendously that I am choosing to be with them, as opposed to having to be with them. Same with social groups I belong to. I am gathering in the stimulation, rather than be subjected to it, which makes all the difference.
Thanks for your response Sheryl - I think the point you mention is that you are 'choosing' to be with them as opsed to 'having to be' with them. I think this is very important, and I think the difficulty with my situation is there are several family members who are very begrudging about being at these gatherings. They show up with this attitude of being forced to be there against their will, and that they have not 'chosen' to be there. It comes out in resentment and no one wins. I just feel like until everyone 'choses' to want to be there, then it might be better to rather gather in different ways / in smaller family units. SOOOO complicated... :/
Yes, it is complicated. And part of what we bring to the table as HSPs is that ability to discern that some have chosen and some have not, and the desire/ability to find a way through that works for everyone. It seems to me that we have a hard time leaving anyone out, even if they are unwilling or toxic. Good luck, I'm sure you'll figure something out!
I’ve had my share of family gatherings involving toxic behavior. I think I’d be looking for what you can control. It sounds like the event is held at your home. Maybe you offer to go out to a quiet restaurant instead. Maybe you invite one little family at a time. If it’s your space, put on calming music before everyone arrives. That might help the kids be calm. Find a game everyone could play together. What can you change? Just some thoughts.
Thanks Monica - these are such good tips! We have started to implement some of them, but often default back to the norm - which is the less intentionally thought out/ planned gathering. The reality is these events are much better off being planned, structured, and held outside the home, when the kids are engaged and often when they dont involve everyone. In fact our best family gatherings seem to be the best when there are fewer of us present and can have more meaningful engagements. I recently started to learn more about the 'Art of Gathering' (by Priya Parker) and am opening this up for discussion with my family to see if there are some better and more intentional ways we can gather which could work better for us all. Holding thumbs we can figure it out eventually figure it out ;)
Yay. Good luck!
Luckily for the most part, my family is relatively drama free, but my sisters step sons are very high energy which is very difficult for me to deal with in long stints. Luckily we have lots of animals at home so we always have an excuse to have to leave early. We have 3 Great Danes and they are sensitive dogs. I don’t feel as lonely when my dog is laying on my lap or leaning on me.
3 Great Danes ...wow that's a whole lot of doggos in your home. How amazing 😍😍😍
Wow, it’s fascinating and reassuring to have chanced upon a piece that describes my experience (I’m a fellow HSP) of family gatherings to the last detail.
Thank you for this wonderful post! I look forward to reading more of your work. 🤗
"You see, for an HSP like me, for every person in the room, the energy compounds - the voices, the micro-aggressions, the facial expressions, the body language, and the unsaid become a deafening ring in my ears.
I cannot ignore the repeating patterns, the unprocessed resentment, the grief, the wrestling of boundaries and power dynamics swirling around me. I feel the tension build layer over layer, and my chest feels tighter and tighter, the air becoming hard to swallow."
This really resonates for me, especially the micro-aggressions, unprocessed resentment and wrestling of boundaries. Some of these things are only now becoming clear to me in my 50s.
I choose to keep my distance, physically, as much as possible.
Beautifully written & very relatable. ✨️
Thank you Lisa :) xx